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Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
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12:00 am
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been a long time since i've updated this -- i don't know why. sometimes i forget that i can write here -- how funny? i wish russell were here, he seems sometimes to know what i am thinking. --- how i miss him. the new assistant is working out well -- she even works -- but she is not russell. what is it about him? we have all tried to figure that out.
my sweet dog just came in and laid down here beside me -- what joy -- to have a dog like annie. i do wish, however, that courtlann would give me louie -- i just love that dog. he makes me so happy, maybe because he is just a puppy and puppy always make me happy. annie is so comfortable, though. what would we do without her?
we're going to New York again. i do hope i live that long. this spot on my lung could be anything. i pray that the cancer has not spread there, but the lungs are one of the places that breast cancer loves to go "hide in" -- maybe God has that in store for me -- i just pray that he does not have chemo planned for me again -- i don't know if i can go through that again. i think the doctors would have to promise me (and no doctor can promise anything) that i would have at least five years to live if i had chemo -- is it worth that -- i'm not sure -- i don't think i could do it again. i just pray that if that is what God has in store for me, i can do it again. please God, let it just be pneumonia.
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| Sunday, September 4th, 2005
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10:12 pm
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The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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| Saturday, August 27th, 2005
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6:54 pm
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i love my user name --- russell picked it for me -- he's good at that kind of thing. i miss him so very much -- much more than i thought i would. i want him to do well so badly. wish i could pay for his college, but that's not possible, but i do think about it a lot.
the first group "happening" without me has occurred. who cares? it's really funny, i was the one "done in" and now i am the "bad" guy --- it's so nice to be old because things are not nearly as important as they once were.
i wish bill were doing better. i'm just not sure how he is going to make it. he can hardly get around -- this is so very hard for me -- i know it is for him as well, but it's soooo very hard for me -- that sounds so selfish, but he has no idea what a tool this is talking on me.
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| Sunday, August 21st, 2005
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8:11 pm
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i really pray that i do not have another week like this one. i have made two people in my life unhappy with me. -- i'm sorry, i really am. but you know, i fought too hard for my life to let anyone be condescending to me --- to have anyone be disrespectful of my feelings. isn't it funny that those you thought cared about you, really don't --- i know that cancer has really changed me -- but as i said, i do not intent to let anyone, including family, belittle me -- my life is worth something -- to me, anyway. my age means something --- for someone to show complete disrespect for me, my life, "ain't gonna happen nomore" --- without me saying something at least. why do friends thinks they can get "by with" always putting you down -- well, NO MORE -- as I said, I fought too hard during my treatment for cancer to save my life for it to mean nothing -- it means a whole lot to me -- for those it doesn't --- so be it???? so i have changed --- who hasn't that has been told they have cancer and must be treated aggressively?????
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| Saturday, August 20th, 2005
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2:31 pm
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yesterday was the day I really came up against my "breaking point" --- just not going to let anyone talk to me or run over me -- not every again --- after what I have been through and factoring in my age -- just "not gonna take it no moe". It is really true, the ones you love and have done the most for - are the ones that end up "doing you in" -- that makes me sooo very sad -- but oh, how true.
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today,
life does go on,and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas tree lights."
"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. "I've learned that
making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life."
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learned that when ever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision." "I've learned that even when I have
pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget
what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
"I've learned that treating everyone the way you would like to be treated
in return, really is the best way to live, even if those do not treat
you the same way "back".
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| Sunday, August 14th, 2005
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6:18 pm
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I don't know if was the chemo, the cancer, or my age, but I can really tell my priorities are changing -- drastically. Everyone changes as time goes by, I know, but sometimes a serious illness and terrible treatment may "rush" things a bit. I read today, "No man is a failure who is enjoying life". I think it took me a while before I really started enjoying life. Was always worried about SOMETHING!!!!! I love the country song (and I don't particularly like country and western music), but I love, "My Give-A-Damn is Busted". -- Boy, am I getting there -- quickly --- although, I was pretty hurt last week by someone who is a friend, but then, come to think of it, who can hurt you but a friend -- if not a friend (or family), who cares???? Things are changing in my life, mainly the way I think about things -- I've always said (about myself), "I'm a very slow learner". I am really trying to live the rest of my life -- "enjoying life" -- as William Feather SAYS -- whoever he IS! I do like what he said though.
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| Monday, August 8th, 2005
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8:53 pm
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my feelings are sooo very hurt today --- a friend really hurt me. whey do some people find pleasure when making fun of someone else??? i'm not going to cry -- i'm too old for anyone to hurt me like this -- i should know better.
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| Saturday, July 30th, 2005
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8:29 pm
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I must be insane --- two 6 year olds spending the night and then a third on Saturday -- am I crazy? I am now for sure after the last 24 hours --- there is no doubt i've lost it. what different personalities!! how does one get such a personality? Are we born with one kind and develop another --- how much really does heredity versus environment really matter. seems like some are born with a sweet, gently spirit -- and maybe some even little demons??? how sad!! it will be a long time before I repeat this weekend -- especially with one little girl in particular -- how sad --- what a pain she is --- this may be "it" for me with her -- don't have to do this anymore!!
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| Saturday, June 25th, 2005
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2:10 pm
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| Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
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5:48 pm
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| Saturday, June 18th, 2005
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9:33 pm
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i don't have any "friends" --- mr. beautiful is certainly not my friend -- he won't even "talk" with me. I guess i'm just tooo old for mr. beautiful. he is very, very young, so i guess that leaves me out!!! oh, well!!!! worse things have happened to me.
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| Thursday, June 16th, 2005
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7:06 pm
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Happiness is like a cat. If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you. It will never come. But if you pay no attention to it and go about your business, you'll find it rubbing up against your legs and jumping into your lap. ---------------something else I wish I had said.
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| Saturday, June 4th, 2005
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9:09 pm
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| Monday, May 23rd, 2005
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5:34 pm
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Why is that when you do everything you possibly can for another person --- that person does not "see" it and feels (or so stated) that no one (this person doing everything) is supportive of them? Wonder what would happen if one did nothing for that person --- would they notice a change?
what do you do when you do all you can? How much of one's life do you owe another person?
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| Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
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11:05 am
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"Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you. Never excuse yourself. Never pity yourself. Be a hard master to yourself --- and be lenient to everybody else."
---Henry Ward Beecher
I wish I had said that -- I wish I could do that.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Saturday, May 21st, 2005
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12:29 pm
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12:19 pm - The Naked Cowboy and Me
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11:54 am
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I have never done this before but thought since all of my "young" friends do it!!! I want to do it, too. This has been a bad/good day for me --- bad because I had to get up before 9:00am to go to work, but good because I am with my young friends, one of which help me with this journal. How neat to be so "up" on things. I may go to a party tonight -- office, that is. Sounds like fun -- lots of fun people going, but since I'm so old, I have to leave early and that is not so good -- for me, but may be for everyone else.
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myownopera's journal
